To: Citizens of the United States of America
From: Lex Loci Lori
Re: Collective Federal Restraining Order
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Maybe I spend to much time online looking at the wrong news sources (popeater, dlisted, ohnotheydidn't, tmz and newser ) but I am constantly bombarded by a few idiots that seriously make me want to become a cutter.
I got to thinking that maybe I can file a petition in court for a collective federal restraining order to keep these fools out of the public eye. Sure there are real legal issues that I can research and actually get paid, but I consider this a very important public service. Seriously. Consider this pro bono legal research. I am doing this for the good of America, people!
On to my argument:
1. The entire Lohan family needs to be restrained from the entire air and web waves.
Let's start with Papa Lohan.
I read this morning that he wants to open a rehab. What??? Look, I will make it real easy Michael. I promise to quit drinking if you promise to quit showing me your damn nipples.Quid pro quo.
Mama Lohan is just as bad and needs to be stopped. I am certain you all saw the crap come flying out of her mouth in her interview with Matt Lauer.
If not, here you go.
Exhibit "B"
I don't even have to get into discussing the kids. ORDER GRANTED!!
2. Kate Gosselin is inflicting mental illness on Amercia. She is causing me to become a compulsive hand washer to try to rid myself of skank.
For my evidence, I submit the following:
The outfit she chose to wear to take her kids
Exhibit "A"
" Exhibit B"
Seriously, WTF?? Kate, honey, someday you will look back on these photos and cringe the way I did. You can't undo it dear, but you can stop it from happening again.
ORDER GRANTED!
3. And finally, for the high crime of making the United States of America collectively dumber every single time we are exposed to them, I propose that we try for treason and deport the following 3 ring circus clowns.
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I don't want any of you to dance with the stars, become my queen or show me your private bits. Please just go away and leave us all alone.
Respectfully submitted,
