Better Homes and Gardens better just stick to Homes and Gardens

Like any good Southern girl, I like to be domestic. I have flower gardens and tea sets and I like to bake pies.  I also have subscriptions to Country Living, Southern Living (although I don't do my living in the South anymore) and Better Homes and Gardens.

So there I sat on my front porch leafing through the June issue of Better Homes and Gardens the other day when I came across an article titled "Rules to DIY by."  Cool, I love to DIY (or is that DIM?  Do it myself.).

Anyway, I am just scanning the article and spot a list of "tools" I am going to need for the featured project.

These last 4 jumped off the page at me.

Dark towels
Vaseline
Rubber gloves
A timer

Holy crap! What is this project? I am going to help birth a calf?

Why, no. Apparently, BH&G is now doling out beauty advice.   This particular article was about dyeing your hair at home. Umm,  looky, BH&G, I don't turn to Vogue to help me make pie crust. Got it. Stay out of fashion and beauty.

As a constant battler of gray hair and an experienced root toucher upper, I can tell you that the BH&G advice is not that good and it is, in fact, a teeny bit frightening.

Make sure your hair is clean.  Not really good advice. You don't want greasy hair, but if it is freshly washed the dye will not  penetrate.  Not really wrong advice, but not very accurate. This is basic information that Ms.Clairol always warns you about.


Avoid dyeing late at night. Supposedly,  because, according to BH&G,  that is when the hair crisis "hotline" is closed.  This is ridiculous on so many levels. Do people really call the hotlines? Have they not heard of google?  For the love of Vidal Sassoon, you can diagnose diseases with the internet. What is the point of a hotline?

Moral of the story:


What kind of moron would take hair advice from BH&G and what does said moron's hair look like?


Wait, I think I answered my own question.

Look who has a subscription to Better Homes & Gardens.

She doesn't really seem the type.

Weekend Stupidity Wrap-up

I saw so many ridiculous stories this weekend that I am starting to believe in all the 2012 hype.  What in the wide world of the wide world is going on people? I mean really.  Let's recap shall we?

1. Fergie. And I am not talking about the Fergalicous Fergie. I am talking about the original British version. The anti-Diana.  The one that made you wonder how in the heck Raggedy Ann became a princess or duchess or whatever.  

This frumptacular ho.

Yes, the  famous weight watcher no success story is back in the news.  She was caught on tape trying to sell access to Prince Whatshisbutt for $750k.  I mean really, I can't even remember the guy's name. Do you think someone is going to pay that kind of cash just to have access to him?  Stupid.

Oh, and very Un-Duchessy in my opinion.



2. Tattoo Lip.  You may not have heard of him yet,  but I am sure he will make the cover of The Smoking Gun this week.  He is a local Denver home burglar. Rocky mountain high indeed!

Um, Anthony darling, if you are going to be a burglar, you might think about getting the tattooed words "East Side" and the number "13" removed from your face.  Are those directions to your house?  I am shocked you were caught.

Oh,  and he was caught robbing an Elvis impersonator. Not cool Anthony. Matt and I were married by an Elvis impersonator as featured here (but probably not this particular impersonator as we were married in Vegas). Whatever! You don't mess with the King.


3. LOST.  I did not actually watch the finale.  I tried to watch episode 2 of the 1st season but I was so damn confused, I gave up. It sounds like that was a good call.  Everyone all over the internets is crying about the ending. I don't know what happened,  but I am going to go ahead and assume it was stupid. 

 Don't feel bad if you wasted the last 6 years of your life watching this show only to be led to utter disappointment.  I felt the exact same way about Gilligan's Island. There never was a resolution. Do they ever get off the island?  Did the Professor finally design an invention that works the way it is supposed to without Gilligan screwing it up? Did the Skipper and Ginger finally do it? I was so mad I never found out! I wasted 12 years of my life people. Of course I now know I was watching reruns over and over all those years. At the time, it was very confusing. Sometimes it was in black and white and sometimes it was in color. What can I say? We didn't have Google back in the day. I grew up in the informational dark ages. How was I to know?

UPDATE: Perez Hilton just posted about tattoo lip. He must read my blog : )

Looking forward to more stupid crap,

My Graham Cracker ain't What it Used to Be (or F-O Nabisco)

Last year we built a fire pit. We spent countless hours outside roasting food and drinking cocktails by the fire. Now that it is merely snowing every other day, we are once again busting out the gourmet s'mores fixins and boxed wine.

Chase brought home a box of Honey Grahams and guess what?

Some genius at Nabisco decided to shrink my graham. I know there are foreclosures left and right and the unemployment rate is at 50% and Bernie Madoff's wife pissed away a third of our nation's GNP on handbags, but this shrinkage is a sure sign that the world is in real financial crisis. Wait until I tell the tea partiers about this nonsense at our next meeting.  I am sure Obama is to blame. 


Wait, was it my imagination?

I googled it and the internets don't lie people. Those sneaky bastards did indeed shrink my graham.

This observant consumer knows what I am talking about.


Did they think I would not notice?  My scientific s'more formula is now in the toilet. All that work perfecting my Cadbury to marshmallow to cracker ratio was all a big waste o' time. F me.

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Thanks a bunch Nabisco!

And don't get me started on their "whole grain" formula.  Despite being labeled a cracker, Mr. Graham and Mr. Animal, you are both cookies. Stop trying to be healthy.

Oh, and as you may have guessed I did not have anything to blog about really, I just could not stand seeing Paris Hilton's skanky behind in my face when I pulled up my site.

Have a great weekend!

Skank has to start somewhere. I am just sayin.

I totally blame this combination:

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For this ridiculousness: 

Target ad

WTF?  Is this necessary Huggies? 

Shake yo groove thing chubby butt. Seriously?

All right all you mommy bloggers, do you approve?


If so, do you approve of this as well?

"I got gloss on my lips, a man on my hips,

hold me tighter than my Dereon jeans"

I swear I cannot take it. At what age is it okay for your kid to start being a skank?

PS:  I hear Pampers is coming out with a line based on this look (buy two packs, get a coupon for a free baby belly ring and a pack of Virginia Slims). Stay tuned.

 Trying to stay sane,

Xenu and Baby Snatchers are on my nerves today

I am in a crappy mood today. It is snowing again and my work is driving me crazy. Luckily, I found this blog-hop to participate in. It is a place where I can safely tell the world to suck it. Not you, of course. I am mainly talking about these three fools.



1. Kelly Preston is allegedly pregnant. Uh, look hag, you are 47 (no offense to non-Scientologist ladies in their late 40s who are not with child). You pretty much killed your last kid with all your Scientology nonsense. No more please. Unfit. I don't care if you can afford 10 nannies.Your son had severe autism, he was not overrun by body thetans. All the auditing in the world and prayers to Xenu could not help him. It not only hurt him, it probably killed him.  You do not need to be on the cover of People Magazine, you need to be in a psych ward!

2. Our brilliant District Attorney is charging two ladies with felony impersonation for switching numbers during a bike race. He is the genius behind the Kobe Bryant waste of time prosecution and he also once charged a guy with a felony for throwing a snowball at a acquaintance (among other ridiculous things). Term limits are a good thing.

From 9 News (Denver). I am not including their full names because the whole thing is BS.


One racer, Katie B. , allegedly entered her name in the 40 to 49 year old women's heat, but had 36-year-old Wendy L.race for her. L. then took second place for B.. . . It is not like the racers were trying to win prize money, cash prizes are not awarded in the Leadville 100. Everyone who finishes gets the same thing: a Leadville Trail 100 silver belt buckle. District Attorney XXX  XXXX (editors note: I am X-ing his name out since I am sure he googles himself every day and I practice law here. I don't want to be on his shit list) says he still had to file charges. "I'm not sure of their motives either, but they did assume another persons identity, and one person gained a benefit from that," XXXXX said. It means both women are now facing felony charges for criminal impersonation, but will likely get that knocked down to a lesser charge.

The coveted prize for first and last and everything between.

If they did something so awful why are you reducing the charges, Mr. XXXX?  If it is not a big deal, why are you even charging them at all?  I smell a big fat media whore.

Now that his term is coming to an end, he is going to run for state office of some sort. Quit sucking on the public tit and get yourself real job a-hole.

3. Haiti let Laura Silsby, a whacko, "religious" child snatcher/baby seller out of jail. If she was stealing white babies somewhere, she would be in the pokey for the rest of her life. She will probably write a book saying God was directing her, sell it to the Palin crowd and become a millionaire. I hope I run in to her someday so I can taser her ass.

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There you have it people, my top three irritants of the moment.

Have a sane day,

Thrift Store Book Review: The Honk and Holler Opening Soon

Okay,  I did not technically get this book at the thrift store. But that is not for lack of trying.  You may remember how I went searching the thrift for this book (for my book club) but ended up learning how to make my own lace panties instead. I could never find the damn book but I wound up checking it out at the library which is cheaper than the thrift so I am categorizing this as a "thrift store book review." You can file a complaint with management (aka Murphy) if you have a problem with that.

Of course I waited until two days before our meeting to even get the book, but I finished it. So there.

This is the book:

The book was just awwright dawg.

Pitchy. I don't even know what that means but I am guessing it applies here.

Incidentally, I  know the author, Billie Letts, in real life by a random twist of events. When I mentioned that I had met Ms. Letts and then later mentioned that I know the author of the next book we are reading, I think my club thought I might be a name dropper.  Whateva. So anyway, the other day Oprah and I were at the mall (haha just kidding. I was with Tyra).

Back to the book. The story revolves around a small town cafe in rural Oklahoma in 1985. A whole cast of characters come together as one:  Asian, Native American, Vietnam vet, crippled dog, crippled guy, missing thumb guy, town bully, oxygen tank lady, African American fundamentalist, country singer, mentally ill, gossip. All served up with a piece of pie.  Kumbaya.

The snacks were spicier.

The Q &A was insightful though.

Q:  Which character did you most identify with and why?

A:  The guy in the wheelchair who was afraid to leave the cafe.  I can go a week without leaving my house. Or maybe the guy with the missing thumbs? No, probably the town ho with the heart of gold. Oh wait there was not one of those? Never mind.


Meanwhile, Matt has been working long hours so I made a casserole for his dining pleasure while I was impressing the gals at the book club with my thoughtful analysis. By the way, is there a rule that a casserole must contain at least 2 cans of cream of mushroom (celery, chicken) soup?


I just sorta made this recipe up using the standard soup and cheese.  Can't go wrong with that duo. Throw in some filler and crumble some leftover taco shells on top and call it good.

 Sopa Crema y Queso

I just made that name up but that could be the name for any casserole.  Que Bueno!!

Our next book is about a mermaid or something. I think it is kind of like Twilight but under the sea. They kept saying "easy read" and I think they may have been talking about me but they have meant the book. I had a couple of glasses wine so who knows?  I will be sure and do another book/casserole review next month. Maybe I will start an entire series called "Book and Casserole Review"  I may be on to something people. Stay tuned.

Channel Panel 2010

I like to read this blog called "My Sister's Farmhouse." Rechelle, the blogger, has a strong disdain for another blogger known as "The  Pioneer Woman"  a/k/a Ree Drumond.  If you do not know already, Ree is a mega blogger/rancher's wife. She has a huge following, her own cookbook and I recently saw her on the Today show. Well, Rechelle has done an entire post on how Ree has changed her sidebar bio something like five times and it has morphed as she has gained a huge right-wing, homeschooling fan base. You can read that post here. 

Rechelle claims that in the beginning, Ree claimed to channel Scarlett O'Hara, Ethel Merman and Sylvia Plath, but as it stands today, she channels Lucille Ball and Ethel Merman. Why is Rechelle so bugged by all of this and why do I find it so damn funny? Who knows.

Anway, all of that nonsense really has me pondering the big questions in life. You know, like who do I "channel" via my blog?  I am certainly not going to list them on my sidebar for fear I might change my mind and Rechelle will tell the entire internet that I am a phony. But, I have put together a good photo representation of who I think I "channel" that I would like to present to you here today.

DISCLAIMER: These are not to be taken literally, of course. For example, the first one is Martha Stewart. While I am a talented entertainer, decorator, chef, and crafter and I do carry a glue gun in my purse,  I have not been convicted of securities fraud, so I don't really think we are exactly alike, okay?

  Lori's "Channel Panel 2010" 

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There you have it. Oh and about that last one,  Matt always says if you want to get my true personality, "just add red wine."

 

Pop Culture has Zero Effect on Me

Did you hear that Lady Gaga topped the Time 100 most influential people 2010?



Gaga who?



Gaga what?



Well that is ridiculous.



I can't believe it.



It is absurd really.



I am totally not influenced by her.




I am a 41 year old woman for god's sake.



What were those Time people thinking?




I am serious.



Just look at my face.

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In other non-Gaga news, I have been sick all weekend.  Chase had a cold last week but he got better and took off for sunny L.A. leaving me in his dust and feelin ill. And I am not talking about the good kind of sick where you can't eat and and end up losing 5 pounds. I am just talking about your run of the mill, sniffling sneezing,coughing, stuffy head,  fever, aching, can't-get-any-rest kind of sick. I really wish they made something for that.


Luckily for me, Chase left this arsenal in the bathroom.

All of this for one little head cold?  I am not saying he is dramatic, I think maybe he just really hates germs.


Hope you your weekend is going better.

The Art of War, Judge Judy and Why I need a Bologna Sandwich

If you follow me on Twitter, Whats that? You dont follow me? Um--get your butt  to the side of my blog and follow me pronto. Anyway, I tweeted that 27% of Americans think Judge Judy would make a good Supreme Court Justice. This hard-hitting bit of news I read on Fox News online.  Let me preface the Fox News part. (ugghh. Why is it that most of what I do and say in life needs to be "prefaced?") Anyway I was reading either Sun Tzu's "Art of War" or Perez Hilton (one of the two) and I saw something along the lines that you should know what your enemy  is up to. See, this is where I get confused because I could have been reading  about actual war strategy or it could have been something about Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson's twitter battles. Anway, my mom is always throwing out this ridiculous crap that I know could only have come from Fox News. Like when she told me that if the health care reform passed she could lose her citizenship to a Nicaraguan. Yes, she was born in the US and so was her great grandma x 15. You can read more about the problems my heritage caused me when I filled out the census here.  I usually need to know what the context of her (mis)infomation is or was so we can have some sort of meaningful conversation.  So that is a partial explanation of why I read Fox News. The other part is that it has a Weekly World News feel to it.  Terrifying if you don't have a functioning brain. You know how you stand in line at the grocery store reading WWN and laughing to yourself and asking:  I wonder what kind of idiot would believe this nonsense?

Back to Judge Judy.

She puts the "ass" in crass and I like it. Recently throned Sonia Sodapop-whatshername is Latina so I am sure that she is sassy, but I dont think she is really crass-y sassy like Ms. Judy. Can you just imagine the looks on the uptight ivy league lawyers who argue before the Court (it is ok I can make fun of Latina women and attorneys since I am both) when she yells out her catchphrase:

"BALOGNA!!!!"

Other great quotes by J.J.(these are way funnier if you imagine that they are said during Supreme Court oral arguments by the way):

"I you live to be 100, you will never be as smart as me."
"I am here because I am smart, not because I am young and gorgeous. Which I am."
"You spent $72 getting your hair done? You wasted your money."
"I'm the boss applesauce."
"Sir, don't pee on my leg and tell me it is raining."
"This is not Let's Make a Deal and I am not Monty Hall."
"What school of double-talk did you go to?"
"That's why they don't let people drink until they're 21 years old, because even 21-year-olds are morons. 20-year-olds and 19-year-olds are double-morons. They shouldn't even be allowed out of the house after nine o'clock at night."
"Do you know when a gift becomes a loan? When the relationship is over. Have you ever heard that, sir? Well, neither have I. I just made it up. I'm going to put it on coffee mugs."

Plaintiff: He signed me a promissory note...
Judge Judy: I don't care if he signed you the Declaration of Independence!


You get the point. Love me some Judge Judy. Oh and she is way more qualified to sit on the big old bench than Sarah Palin is to sit in the big old house.

By the way, this is not the first time that bologna has come up in my blog. Go here  if you want to read more about bologna and actual words from my mother. Great, now I am hungry.

Now go follow me on Twitter. I am the boss applesauce! 

Me and My Glamoury Self

Yalls may or may not know about how I like to blog stalk random people. So anyway, I like to read this blog called Pulsipher Predilections (way to blow my cover right?).
 
The blog is written by a hilarious Mormon girl from Utah.  In my non-stop blog reading, incidentally, I have found that there is a disproportionate number of Mormon bloggers. I think it may be some sort of initiation thing but I am not positive and I am too lazy to google it to find out. Maybe she can enlighten me. It should be noted that most of these blogs are just about how cute their kids are and how wonderful darling daddy is kind of stuff. This blog is not like that. Prolly cause Miss Kristina does not have a half a dozen kids to muck up her life. Which brings me to something that has been bugging me. Why aren't there more Scientologist bloggers? Well, Kirstie Alley does have that reality show which is kinda like a blog, but its mostly just about her being fat. I would rather read about cute kids.

Okay back to my point. Kristina is having a blog carnival, and I am joining in. I thought this would be a good way to introduce myself.

The carnival is called Glamour Shots Gone Wild. Click the button below to get to her little party and see other glamour photos.


But first finish reading this.







Uh, there is a slight problem. You see, I do not have any Glamour shots, though I do think I was quite glamoury in the 80's and most of the 90's.

Well then I remembered these awesome photos of me trying on celebrity hair-dos that I created to amuse Matt. Close enough,  right?

Are you ready?

Sandra Bullock

Michelle Obama

OMG. I kinda look like MO, minus the mouth thing. I am totally going as her for Halloween. Somebody invite me to a party would ya?

Jennifer Aniston

Whitney Houston

oops that should read "Crack is not whack." My mistake. 

Sarah Palin

Rhiana

Kate Gosselin

Our Lady of Gaga

Leave  me a comment and let me know which one you like best. I am getting my hairdo did next week. I am thinking pre-DWTS Kate is a good look for me.


Update: The first blogger I clicked on in the carnival  had 6 kids for real.  Yowza! She has time to blog??

Update 2:   I totally forgot about this sexy look I rocked back in 1992.

Selena is that you?